Crap joke thread

As we dont have a shout box here, I thought I'd kick start something dear to my heart......

I've just joined a site after seeing a pop up saying 'Meet Lots Of Women In Your Area For Sex Tonight'
The next stage of the application said 'Please Choose: 18-25, 26-33, 34-42, 43-49, Over 50'
I've gone for 43-49 women, over 50 is just being greedy.

Since my mate became a mime, I've not heard from him.

I tried to start a VD clinic from scratch.

Can't believe my Dad was arrested for stealing whilst working as a lolly pop man. Should have known really all the signs were there.

I used to sell chairs....(whispers) under the table.

I was at the baths today & decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life-guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so ****ing loud I nearly fell in!!

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Nintendo are bringing out a game where a 10 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing cars, stabbing people & robbing houses. 'Wii Bastard' is due for release on November 26th.

I saw a bloke this morning throwing cheese at people, I thought thats mature. He then threw one at me, I thought how dairy.

I met a girl in the park the other day.. there was an instant spark between us. She just fell at my feet and as I was 'doing' her I thought.. "Ahh these tazers are well worth the money".

My girlfriend dumped me for being too kinky. It came as a shock, I nearly choked on her shit when she told me.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Police in Moss Side have recovered a man's body from the canal dressed in a thong, fishnet tights, high heels, an orange in his mouth and a Man U shirt. Police have removed the shirt so as not to embarrass his family.

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today. I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.. be aware!

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.



Well I did say it was the crap joke thread!!

 

Bit of copy & pasting from around the net, so a bit of a mixture.

I never get to hear many good jokes these days so I thought this would be a good place to start collecting them

 

Will it never end. It has been reported that BBC's Andrew Marr had a stroke.
No news yet as to how old the victim is.

The wife just sent me a text:
"I'm lying in bed with only a tanga on! What r u up to?"
"I've just pulled a lovely, juicy bogey out of my nose," I wrote back.
"Why do u have to write such disgusting texts?" came the reply.
"You ****ing started it!"

My Jimmy Savile advent calendar is shit. The flaps only open from 1-16

 

A German dwarf comes to London and whilst there he visits a hooker. She thinks he'll never manage it - easy money. Just before he starts he puts a big spring on each elbow and knee then shags her senseless for 4 hours. She says breathlessly, "How did you manage that?" "Easy," he replies, "Foursprung Dwarftechnique."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar...

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!"

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


Oh come on people, hasnt noone else got any crap jokes?!?!

 

Here here. Most good jokes really offend, hence why Frankie Boyle is so funny. Noone should take them out of context anyway.

 

Spoilsport

Drum roll please........

I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter....

I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

*for Crispy

 

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.